Stuck in the Storm

Hurricane Irma was barreling toward Florida and was predicted to be the worst hurricane since the first 7 decades of the 20^thcentury.  The effects of the hurricane were predicted to be bigger than the width of the state itself. Floridians were urged and in some places ordered to evacuate but there are always those few that decide they are stronger than the storm and decide to hunker down and wait it out. They were given the opportunity to escape the danger but didn’t heed the warnings. The outcome?  In many instances, they had to be rescued as everything they were holding on to so tightly was taken from them anyway.

Before we sit in our comfortable homes and throw insults at the bad judgment of those people… think about how many times we are given warning signs yet don’t heed them, holding so tightly to what we think is so important only to have it taken away in the end.

Sometimes life can be something you wake up to eagerly each morning… and other times it can keep you up at night as your mind races and you dread the morning.  I’m sure you know what I mean.  Who hasn’t had moments when you think – ‘ahh, life… it can’t get much better than this’.  And each of our ‘this’ looks and feels different.  But then there are those moments you think – ‘AAHH, life… will it ever get better?’

For me, if I allow myself, I can dwell on those times… and there have been many… when life seemed too much, overwhelming, gloomy and just plain out of control.  I’m actually writing this while living through one of those times.  

We thought we had finally gotten to a good place.  We moved to our dream home in the country, had our finances in a good spot, had wonderful children and grandchildren and enjoyed great relationships with family and friends!  

After starting out getting married at 17 and 18 years of age and 3 months after saying ‘I do’, becoming parents (I always tell people we were ‘children raising children’) and after a very rocky marriage for the first 20 years, it was nice to finally feel like all the bad stuff was behind us and we could just live out the rest of our lives loving our family and friends and serving God.

Then out of nowhere, in May 2016 it happened… My husband of 33 years who had been healthy, independent and physically strong all of our marriage, suddenly became chronically ill. Our lives and everything we knew instantly and completely changed! 

Two years in to this journey now, we still really don’t have a lot of answers or an idea of what our future holds.  This ‘new normal’ for us feels anything but normal.  And the word ‘new’ doesn’t fit either because when I think of new, I think of things that are exciting, fresh, welcomed… none of those apply here.

Yep… ‘life’ has hit me with a low and hard blow to my gut! And what have I done about it?  I’d love to say I’ve leaned in to God, dove in to His Word, sought wise counsel from godly friends and taken steps toward growing my faith.  I’d love to tell you that I’ve spent time in praise and worship seeking His strength and wisdom to carry on.  I know that these are the things that I shoulddo because they are the very things I’ve encouraged others to do over the years and I know in my head would work like a charm.  But I can’t claim to have always done these things… at least not consistent enough or whole-heartedly enough as I should. 

Sometimes I am stuck! Stuck in the ‘keep the engine running’ mode.  Knowing that if I stop long enough to face my reality… I mean to really face the depth of what my life is now and the not knowing what will happen… I may just fall apart.  As long as I don’t allow myself to feel at the deep level I need to feel, I can continue to take care of my husband, our 16 year old daughter, our home, a full-time job, etc, etc, etc….

But, what am I learning in this?  What am I gaining?  What is God trying to show me? 

To begin to find those answers, I am going to have to ‘Be Still’.   

But most days, I’m not sure how… so I’ll just continue, one moment at a time… to Walk On to Hope.